Killer_Thriller

wow. haven't updated this in awhile.

this semester is flying by. january was the WORST month of my life. Did AMAZING at states tho. Finally acheived my goals I had set for so long, it was the best feeling in the world. Now it's just been a bluw of different parties/events/hanging out. I kind of lost something big, but it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could do about it. He chose her. Went back to her. Why? I have no idea, but I would guess because she's better for his ego, easier. Whatever. I guess you could say I still have some feelings for him, but I would DIE before I ever admitted that to anyone. I'm not sure where his postition is with me. The weird personal texts that he sends me makes me think that he's suggesting that I'm still one of his 'options'...well I'm NOT. I'm better than that. Stronger than that. People aren't objects. You can't just pick and choose and pick and choose and have a piece of everyone. Eventaully, someone is goint to say enough is enough. And that had to be I guess. Although, i still think I was just someone to fill his void while he couldn't have her, which I guess is what hurts me the most. It's werid that he's graduating this year and I prlly won't ever see him again, I'm not exactly sure how to handle it and I don't think he does either. I guess we're just at two very differet places in life right now, and it's hard to relate to each other. But oh well- I'm just going to continue on with my life and as long as I dont completely fuck something up and keeps my head on my shoulders I should be okay, and we'll just see where my life takes me, and if he'll be in there. Who knows...

I just can't take it. I can't this. I can't take YOU.

So I made an accidental mistake by sleeping in your bed with you last week. Then sunday you tell me you like me and haven't liked someone like this since your ex, and how i'm the ONLY other girl you could ever see yourself with. Well, thanks for the crock of BULLSHIT, bud, cuz that obviously WAS NOT true! Different girl in your bed every night, huh? How the hell do you live wiht yourself, how can you treat people like such fucking objects. I really thought we shared soemthing the other night. I don't do that with just everyone, in fact anyone. And you of all people, should know that. But no, of course that's not enough. You just had to go and invite girl number 85 over to your room last night, tellling me you would stop by cuz i have no phone right now. OH ANOTHER FUCKING LIE. I'm pretty sure you just somehow coaxed her into spending the night wiht you as well. You're a good talker, but seriously-i've seen through your bullshit and i don't like any of it. I'm actually glad you didn't invite me over last night, this needed to end before it something worse came of it. I can't do this anymore, I cant be just another girl to you, sorry. I'm not another one that you can just cross of your list of girls. FUCK THAT. I can't believe seeing how such good friends we are, you would do this to me. I'm honestly not surprised, just dissapointed I guess.

Whatever, at least I'm the one that said I can't commit to you. Good fucking thing. I can't even STAND you right now. But I'm done. My self esteeem may not be that high, but I know I don't deserve this. And I know those other girls don't mean shit to you, just another good fuck. Well, have fun with ugly boirng girls. Because you keep this up, that's all you'll be stuck with. Becuase the ones that matter to you aren't gonna put up with your stupid bullshit anymore.

I wish this week never happend. I made a huge mistake, I should've known. That's why I most often than not don't let men into my life. NOT WORTH IT.

So i just can't seem to get it together with you.
Sometimes it feels so right.
And other times it just feels so FUCKING wrong

:/

ugh. i kinda hate my life right now. things are so GODDAMNED confusing. ecspecially with someone in particular. when things are up, they're up but where they're down...they're PRETTY FUCKIN DOWN! we just can't seem to get it together...i'm thinking that it'll just never happen which sucks cuz i really thought something good could come out of it. i guess i thought wrong :(

last day at keys tomm. i'm soooooo sad. it's weird becuase at first i really didn't like it. i hated all of the kids and wished i were back at bab. however, i grew to LOVE keys pool and EVERYONE i work with! it just became like routine. getting up, teaching lessons, spending the rest of the day with team 2. and our team bonded so much, i had such good times with these people and am really going to miss them! keys pool ended up being such a GREAT expirience.


as much as i hate to talk about, i leave for wells on tuseday. i hate saying goodbye. i'd rather just leave without doing that part. and nothing seems to be looking up. as soon as court left to go play soccer, he's been acting really weird. idk if its becuase he's tired cuz the practices are so hard, but he;ll text me and then i'll text him back but when he responds it's like he doens't even want to talk to me at all. hm...that should be interesting. alsos, brian is trying to get back in touch with me. FUCK THAT. you don't talk to me all summer, don't act like we're gonna be friends during the school year.

ah, i just wanna get there with chelsea and set up our room and go and hang out in ithaca. i honestly don't really give a shit with what happens with court or brian...i want my own life, not the stupid, lame dramatice one i had last year, when i legit thought iwas on an episode of the HILLS or something. FUCK THAT. I just want to go out and have a good time. Even though Emile isn't coming back to wells, she's still liivng in ithaca which is actually pretty cool since it will give me somewhere else togo and hand out! and it really sucks that amy is going to be in france the whole first semester. oh well. i'm not exactly overwhelmed with excitement for swim team, but eh i'll just make the best of it!

ugh. so trying to like someone new DIDN'T FUCKIN work. now he's gone back to school. what would he have wanted me for anyways? Good joke.

anyways, court and i are talking again. surprise surprise. i really doubt there's anything there. he's going after some pretty little freshmen, so much for him saying 'looks aren't everything.' but the more i think about it, the more i don't think we'd ever work. i don't admire him. at all. he's weak and womanizng and cocky. but a good friend, and that's all we'll be, i think.

so cool. i'm glad you're date went WONDERFUL. i'm glad you decided to talk to me again JUST TO TELL ME THAT. "and my date went great. thanks for asking". Yeah, BUD...there's a reason why i didn't ask. I DIDN'T CARE. AND I STILL DON'T CARE.


besides i had a great time last night anyways. i may have a new interest. so have fun pretending to have fun with her when you could be having a good time with me. WHATEVER. as you would always say to me, 'your loss'

"Now that I'm sitting here thinking it through. I've never been anywhere near cold as you"

yeah, cool. now you're ignoring me. WELL FUCK YOU! you can't just come and go as you please. I'm gonna go have a GOOD TIME (not go on a lame date with a guy i don't even like that i'm trying to replace you with). no, that's what YOU'LL be doing. And I'm not as low as you. I know the reason why you didn't text me back was because this day is supposed to be all about her, because you can't have me THIS VERY SECOND, you're going to try and forget all about me.

you did this once last year too. and it ended badly because you said 'you're heart just wasn't into it.' Well you nothing you want comes easy, so if you want a good succesful relationship like the one you described to me, then YOU CAN WAIT. Or else, 'it won't be the happiest days of your life' like the other thing you said to me. Eventaully I'll find some patient enough to wait for me, and you'll be single miserable bringing home slut after whore home with you.

whatever, don't send me more texts exposing you're soft side. now i know all that bullshit you feed me is just to get me to sleep with you when i go back to NY. now that kelsey and jen have had it with you, you're lookin for something else. Sorry I'm not as stupid as them. i have A GOOD HEAD ON MY SHOULDERS. I've been around more than you think. You think I'm naive, young, and inncocent. Perfect score. Well, now you realized I'M NOT. i know what i'm doing. i've been there done that.

"you make me happy and not many people do". YEAH, FUCK YOU. I make a lot of people happy, bud. But I don't choose to be with all of them. I just HAPPEN to have that effect on people. I have a lot of energy and can be fun to be with. But sorry...you're not the first fucking person to tell me that. Basically every guy i hang out with tells me the same thing. You thitnk you're some special fuck, by saying you appreciate me, and no one else does. THEN how come before you Brian said the same thing? And before him, Matt?

I hate to use a Taking Back Sunday song to describe you but "boys like you are a dime a dozen".

someday i'll find someone kind, gentle, and unique like myself. Not a stereotypical cocky, athletic, womanzing, asswhole like you!

PEACE. i guess when i go back to NY things could be different. But I remember when i WAS in NY IT WAS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING. so i'm not even gonna hold me breath.

ughhh... so i just got off the phone with you and i had to hang up cuz the convo was just DEAD.

well, sorry i couldn't tell you i wanted you the other day. i'm not like that you asswhole, and you know it. so have fun with that boring old whats-her-face. i'm not really a cocky person, but you and i BOTH know you actually like me a whole lot better.


so yeah, have a nice life. cuz i dont feel like talking to you about twelve-year-old tits and stupid plans you have with boring girls called 'dates'.

if you don't even want to ever TALK to me, then don't fucking call me you asswhole. JESUS CHRIST I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

yeah, and the other day when i told you brian has a girlfriend and you were liek ECSTATIC. and you say 'this might be the break WE need'. yeah sorry, there's no WE. there's ME and thats it. DON'T implant youself into MY life ever again. just STAY OUT and GET OUT and DON'T COME BACK.

yeah i thought i enjoyed you and your company and i will miss it...FOR LIEK A WEEK, and then you're just another one in the DISCARD pile!

UGHHH FUCKKKK YOUUU!!